Love Nest

I'm not really happy with this; as always, my problem being that it sounds to convoluted to make sense. Here it is then...

Screams of ecstasy, dreams of lust

Fantasies, beautiful and unspoken

Came alive on a rainy eve

Muffled voices, snatches of conversation

Glass mugs and Styrofoam cups

Flickering memories and bright flashing colours

A bubbling stove and an aching heart

Separate in existence, together consumed with lust

Twisted togetherness in the frenzied coupling of flesh

The hour between night and dawn was ours to celebrate

The sound of silence pierced by our screams of drunkenness, of ecstasy

and inexplicable tears flowing thick and fast

Turbulence arrived, wrecking my love nest,

And in the wreckage I found a bud

Surrounded by destruction, yet firmly bound to soil

Mocking me, refusing to budge

Ready to burst forth in full bloom

It was then I realised,

Picking up the pieces of my nest ravaged by fire,

That it really was love that gutted that Cave of Desire

What I learnt while growing up...

I learnt while growing up that parents had second children because their elders told them that only after the first child had a sibling, he/she would learn to share. But it was also to keep their first company; it did not matter eventually, if the first-born continued to remain a loner. 

I learnt that people had children, to love and nurture and perhaps also to give the rest of the world proof of the fact that you had a womb. But they had children also, to be reared as race horses and to be put at the receiving end of blackmail. I learnt that it was okay to be terrible at Math, even if your parents hated you for it; you could always be good at other things.

I learnt while growing up, that it was okay to be religious and proclaim that you were secular, even if you were fanatical about it. I learnt that having a job would make you look nice, important and busy, how will it matter then, if you suck at what you do? Or worse, die a slow death doing what you do? I learnt that you will eventually be content with loving yourself and move on from the pressure of expectations and respect yourself for what you are. I learnt that it is stupid to want to do MBAs only because X did it and makes good money; if you’re good enough (read: talented) you’ll get ahead in life anyway; it doesn’t matter if you have to take the slow train there.

I learnt that friends didn’t come in Tupperware boxes or bubble wrapped. Friends are those that just walk in when you don’t need any. But, I also learnt that friendship and every other equation needs work - from both ends. Friends are people who make you laugh, cry, moan, whoop and bring out things in you; you never knew you even had; they bring out the best in you and help you get past your worst. More importantly, I learnt that it was friends who helped you get past stereotypes and that once you’ve looked outside of your kin; you have your own family of friends out there. And yes, I am one of those who rate friends above family. I learnt that blood may be thicker than water but friends are people that aren't as unreasonable as family most of the time.

I learnt that marriage is a social constraint, if only to stick to communal diktats. I learnt that post 25 (even though I am not there yet), there would be whispers flying about - that you are past your prime and that no one will marry a girl with modern ideas of keeping maiden names and the like. Said whispers will of course, come courtesy old crones who’ve nothing better to do than look for gossip fodder.

I learnt that 'love conquers all' happens only in the movies. I learnt that however truly, madly and deeply you fall in love with one person, there is always a good chance of your heart being broken irreparably. It may well be different in reality; some things and people are not made for you, and you WILL fall out of love with them. And then, someone may come along, who lusts for interesting stuff. Music. Books. Cinema. Chocolate. You. Someone as dreamy, flawed and as two-faced as you are. Some who can be the Harry Potter to your Luna Lovegood (yes, I think they should’ve been together). And yes, someone, mating with whom, will not lead to ugly children (imagine a kid that looks like Count Dracula meets a toad – and I actually know a couple who might end up having kids like that).

Moving on, I learnt that it isn't wrong to dream but utterly ridiculous to think that they could come true. I learnt that it was important to get as far as possible from disinfected auras. I learnt that it was important to feel what wet mud smelt like on a rainy day. I learnt that it was important to wake up and smell the coffee. And imperative to know what toiling away - blood and sweat - felt like. I learnt what contentment felt like. And I learnt that you were a step closer to achievement every time you dreamt.

I learnt that it didn't matter if the paint was peeling off the walls; it was important you read the writing on it. I learnt that it was okay to be shallow as long as you weren't copying random quotes and status messages, trying to sound profound. I learnt that your reading speed didn't matter - as long as you learnt to read between the lines. I learnt that it was important to tell Death Eaters and Veela apart. I learnt that it was important to chase closure - for new beginnings to happen. I learnt that creativity meant being a cross between the Mad Hatter and a Court Jester. I learnt that eccentricity was only a state of mind. I learnt that one had to tread with caution but not overdo it so that one never knows what an adventure feels like. I learnt that you had to embrace clutter in order to get sorted.

I learnt that it didn't matter where you came from, who you were and what people you met because in the end, you are what you make of yourself. I learnt that what goes around comes around. And that what I give unto my parents - good or bad - shall be received manifold when I become one myself. I learnt that growing up was an ongoing process so I still have a long way to go. And that life was one huge bag of Bertie Botts - with no choices. You have to take each day as it comes, love it and rock it! And with one life to love, so I may as well sit back and enjoy it.

IDENTITY

Inspired by another blog I read, I decided to write about this. Who am I? A question that eternally plagues those of us who look beyond the mundane. I for one have posed this question to myself a number of times, having come up with only half a satisfactory answer. So who am I? I could borrow from a poem I once wrote that went like this:

"I am your shadow 

Disappearing as night falls, 

Reappearing as your deepest darkest dream"

While it all sounds nice and poetic, it is not exactly what I think I am.

Of course, how we define ourselves, is a matter of subjectivity, often confused with "how we would like to be" rather than "what we really are". Now, I am a born pessimist. Blame it on an overly cautious upbringing that consisted primarily of most of the family telling you how every second thing is unsafe and because you are an only child, you are in far greater danger than other children. Now that I'm all grown up and am learning to skip rather than to crawl, I think I have one thing figured. Two things actually. The first is that being an only child might make you as curious as I am but it also might make you overly cautious and yes, there is always the underlying guilt bubbling within that you are not living up to the (far too many) expectations of your parents, whose only hope is you. The second thing is something you learn while you grow up but helps you ease your guilt if not get rid of it completely - people don't have more than one kid only so they have a spare, in case something happens to one. It is unbelievable what being an only child can do to you most of time. On the whole I think, from all the only children I know or am friends with, most have turned out okay.

As for me, I think I have lived most of my life in denial. I thought, for the most part of my life, that I lived solely for myself, thinking I was making certain choices because they made things easy. I never realised that I was unconsciously pushing myself even further into a vortex of sorts that demanded that I perform to the expectations of others and not think for a second about me, my dreams or anything else that I could call mine. I never realised that I made those choices only because they were the easier way out, to keep the family happy and yes, to keep the peace at home. Eventually, I realised that being a martyr could get me nowhere if I really wanted things my way.  

Had I stood my ground then and not taken the middle way out, I would've been much more at peace with my demons then than I am now. Making the same tough choices a couple of years later makes things much more difficult. And yes, there is a lot of blackmail and such other ugliness involved (yes, parents and family in general can be diabolical sometimes). So yes, one of the answers to Who Am I still remains that I am my parents' daughter. And, as selfish as it may sound, my inner voice echoes aloud saying, "But I am also my own person. You can all say what you want. But you can never alter my existence or rid me of whatever demons you think I possess." And with extended family and well-wishers it only gets easier. Just Ctrl + Alt + Delete them.

There are a whole lot of things that define "Who I Am". So moving beyond the usual 'I am someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend', I want to write about how I see myself as I am today. We all have an existence. What we all look for is a sense of identity. An identity that clearly distinguishes us from everyone else. Something that gives one an idea of what one really is. There are those who rate themselves on various factors depending on what gives them a kick and a sense of self-worth. Money. Relationships. Friends (real or those on Facebook). For me, the equations outside of family that have really mattered are those I share with friends. 

Like most people, I connect better with friends than I do with family (I'm rather sceptical about socialising given my aforementioned aversion to expectations). That said, I do not have more than say, 10 friends. I am social, I don't mind company but I'm mostly a loner who doesn't mind being around people. To me, conversation is largely a result of being spoken to and so, in order not to come across as rude, I answer. I don't entertain randoms (strange, fascinating people are entertained for purposes of recall and self-entertainment) or encourage schmoozing of any sort (which is an entirely different ballgame altogether that deserves another post) unless I know / have known them only because it is too much effort and there is always the chance that you will be asked something in turn, and then it would be rude not to answer. Again, there are too few interesting people out there.

Plus, I'm the sort of person who believes that friendship requires work - from both ends - and in a take-everything-for-granted world, for someone as demanding as I am about relationships, most equations aren't worth a shot. So yes, I AM one of those who rates myself on the friends I have. Even so, I have very few friends and am at peace with that. Period.

While I do play the roles of daughter and friend on a somewhat average basis (I have left my self esteem issues and insecurities about not being able to live up to expectations behind me and have decided that there are weirder people out there), I think the one thing that defines WHO I AM is by what I do. And no I don't have a job, in fact I am currently unemployed and never rated myself in terms of what I did professionally even when I was working. My one problem is a limited attention span. The one thing I believe I can do somewhat decently is write. I might not be one of the best. And my point is exactly that, I know that I'm not the best. I know I write well enough, better than most people in fact. I see myself doing several things as a writer. There is a certain permanence in impermanence. The impermanence of what I write. It gives me the power to dream - unfettered and uninhibited. I write so I don't ever get bored. I see myself doing what I love most when I write. It's something I know I would want to keep doing for the rest of my life. Like I said before, we all have an existence. But we look for a sense of identity. Something that gives one an idea of what one really is. My writing gives me that sense of an identity. It has nothing to do with how good or bad a writer I am. A writer. It’s the clearest I have ever been in my entire life – which I think is something in a world where most people can never manage that in a lifetime. It gives me a sense of being whole. And to me, that's all that matters.

The Song of a Moon Maiden

Once in a thousand years

Under light from a moon blue

I sat under a tree of hope

Singing my song of despair

I thought of you

The you I once knew

Lone warrior, my dark knight

In my darkest hours,

A sun shining bright

I was a lone moon maiden devoid of sound until you arrived

My soul stirred feebly as you took my hand

I stared astonished as my feet matched step for step

Mirroring your every move

And thus moon maiden and sun

At every full moon danced as one

I always thought a setting sun

Signalled new tidings

I knew not my frigid sun

Until you left

That it was the beginning of the end

And then it was that truth dawned on me

That a sun gave light to one

Plunging another world in darkness

Master of his own destiny, belonging to none

My wings clipped,

My strings cut, I fell

Like a ragged doll awaiting its end,

I waited for death...

And it never came,

I felt alive but barely just,

Seconds ticked away, turning to days, months and years

Yet each heartbeat felt the same

Like a curse upon my maimed soul

The darkness engulfed me

And then it became my own

And never once was I afraid

For I was never alone

My shadow, my dark passenger sailed serenely along

Once again as I sang,

Yet again the song of despair

I watched the sun and moon come together

Eclipse, they called it and watched mesmerised

Together, they cast a bloody haze

As if telling the world

We are one but not the same

Souls intertwined, destined to meet

Quite inseparable as flesh and blood

And yet light years apart

The spell broke and the crowds dispersed

Yet I continued to sing my song of despair

When suddenly a smile curved my lips

And in a million years,

This once I felt alive

My soul finally came to rest

Unblemished, untarnished

The moon maiden became whole again